Wednesday
Nov082006
thoughts on doubt
Wednesday, November 8, 2006 at 02:21PM
I wrote this piece Sunday afternoon and have debated posting it. I sent it to a couple of my mentor-type friends and was surprsed by their reaction. They were thrilled and excited by the honesty of my struggle. Their joy has been a great encouragement to me, and is working against the very issue at hand. I’ve got more thoughts that have come since, but I’ll share them in the next few days. For now….
My parents have attended the same church for a little over 30 years. I grew up as a part of that church and it was a steady part of me until I left town after high school. For the most part, this was a really good thing. When I got to college I bounced around a bit, but if I wasn’t “going� to a particular church I was “looking�, because being a part of a church was always a part of me.
There were some fights in my house when I started learning guitar and listening to Pink Floyd, but I was a good kid. Despite feeling rock and roll coarsing through my veins, I never rebelled. Didn’t have a need or desire.
And now, and for probably the past two years, there’s a fighter in the ring and he’s pointing at me and calling me out. He’s probably the most feared, and least talked about, fighter there is: doubt.
The whispers from the attic have turned into roars in the living room and, I won’t lie, they’ve left me more than a little shaken.
***
I got really into theology after my one gloriously fulfilling year of college. All the cool, old books people quote from? I read ‘em. Calvin, Luther, Lewis, Grudem, Packer, Piper, etc… The baseball cards of Christian thinking. And I loved it. I was inspired and on fire. I wrote an album called Coming to Life and I meant every word of it.
But as time went on, deals went South and theology turned into a formula. “If A then B.� My beliefs started turning into brass knuckles, and if you didn’t know the right gang signs (you know, using words like “covenant� and “election� and turning up your nose at Chris Tomlin and Sonicflood) then I’d beat you with my knowledge until you limped away. Because it was the only way to keep feeling it.
***
Today at church we had communion. Randy, our pastor, told us that when we got to the front we’d put out our hands and they’d serve us the bread and wine, or we could cross our hands to our shoulders and someone would come and pray with us.
I crossed my hands. Someone came and prayed for me.
He prayed wonderful things, that I would know that God was real and that He really loved me. That I would look to Him and not the idols of control or money or sex. He prayed that what I would believe in my heart what I believe in my head.
And that’s when it hit me. For me, I need that prayer the other way around. I need what I believe in my heart to inform my head.
***
The problem with seeing your theology as a series of logical steps is that you start to tear apart the premises. When you get to evil and faith and the garden of Eden and Noah’s ark, the logical side starts to go “hey, what about this over here? It’s kind of weird and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.� Once you start questioning those things the idea that God sent His son to take the penalty for our sins, the basic belief of Christianity, starts to shift around a bit.
It’s like a house in California that slowly slides down the side of the mountain. A foot down and you start to notice, and by the time you’ve asked for help you’re halfway to the water below.
And here I am. I’m 27, I’m married, I’m 4th and inches from having two kids. I own a home and through some supreme act of providence have kept up with the mortgage. I work in the nursery every fifth Sunday (cheap, I know) and I make a living playing mainly Christian music, as much as I hate to admit it.
Now is a terrible time to start doubting.
I’ve written a song for the new Caedmon’s record about this. I’m going to go ahead and assume here that I’m not the only that’s been to this place. If so, the song will be really lame, since every verse starts out with “maybe you’re like me…� Anyway, it’s about how we’ve lost the freedom to wrestle with doubt, to actually enter into it in hopes that we’ll come out stronger on the other side. Our responsibilities and our image keep us from rolling back our sleeves, muttering “this is going to suck� and jumping in the ring.
***
I know I’ve planted some of the seeds of this doubt myself. It’s inherent in us all, I think, but it’s also in the different books I’ve read and movies I’ve seen. Interestingly, I don’t think music has played to this. Music, by pretty much anybody, is a recipe for believing in the unseen. At least for me. But anyway, now that those seeds are there I feel like I have three options.
Option 1. I can let the seeds turn into weeds that change the whole place. I can give into the doubt and hope my family and friends don’t all leave me.
Option 2. I can try to pull the weeds out by reading different books and different movies. A little Chesterton can go a long way, but pulling weeds never keeps them from growing back.
Option 3. I can keep asking Jesus to forgive me, to be real to me and to rip the doubt out at the roots. I don’t think it’s just more devotionals and prayer. I’ve never stopped those things, though they’ve slowed down. It’s that I need Jesus and I don’t know how long He’s going to wait to answer me.
***
We call it “going through the motions� when people feel like this but act like everything’s great and nothing bothers us. We look down on that.
And this is me not doing that. If I want my faith to be real and if I believe that Jesus is real, then I need to be real.
It means I cross my arms and ask for prayer while everybody else is taking communion, even if a bunch of Caedmon’s fans see it and it weirds them out. It means I tell my neighborhood small group the same thing I feel I do every week: “you can keep praying for me and all this doubt I can’t seem to shake.� It means I don’t lie to my wife when she asks what’s bothering me.
But again, that’s hard to do. I want to be a good dad and a good husband and I don’t want to lead people away from Jesus. Even if I have a hard time feeling it, I believe Jesus is real. Or at least I want to. And I want my kids to, and my wife, and my friends, and you reading this.
Because I’ve seen people changed by Jesus. Not lying tv preachers or R. Kelly’s gospel album, but my friends Randall and Mitch. I’ve seen believers in India who had literally nothing but huts and oppression and who believed, not in a superstition, but in a God who changed them completely. I’ve seen it be real, so why is it so hard to believe?
My parents have attended the same church for a little over 30 years. I grew up as a part of that church and it was a steady part of me until I left town after high school. For the most part, this was a really good thing. When I got to college I bounced around a bit, but if I wasn’t “going� to a particular church I was “looking�, because being a part of a church was always a part of me.
There were some fights in my house when I started learning guitar and listening to Pink Floyd, but I was a good kid. Despite feeling rock and roll coarsing through my veins, I never rebelled. Didn’t have a need or desire.
And now, and for probably the past two years, there’s a fighter in the ring and he’s pointing at me and calling me out. He’s probably the most feared, and least talked about, fighter there is: doubt.
The whispers from the attic have turned into roars in the living room and, I won’t lie, they’ve left me more than a little shaken.
***
I got really into theology after my one gloriously fulfilling year of college. All the cool, old books people quote from? I read ‘em. Calvin, Luther, Lewis, Grudem, Packer, Piper, etc… The baseball cards of Christian thinking. And I loved it. I was inspired and on fire. I wrote an album called Coming to Life and I meant every word of it.
But as time went on, deals went South and theology turned into a formula. “If A then B.� My beliefs started turning into brass knuckles, and if you didn’t know the right gang signs (you know, using words like “covenant� and “election� and turning up your nose at Chris Tomlin and Sonicflood) then I’d beat you with my knowledge until you limped away. Because it was the only way to keep feeling it.
***
Today at church we had communion. Randy, our pastor, told us that when we got to the front we’d put out our hands and they’d serve us the bread and wine, or we could cross our hands to our shoulders and someone would come and pray with us.
I crossed my hands. Someone came and prayed for me.
He prayed wonderful things, that I would know that God was real and that He really loved me. That I would look to Him and not the idols of control or money or sex. He prayed that what I would believe in my heart what I believe in my head.
And that’s when it hit me. For me, I need that prayer the other way around. I need what I believe in my heart to inform my head.
***
The problem with seeing your theology as a series of logical steps is that you start to tear apart the premises. When you get to evil and faith and the garden of Eden and Noah’s ark, the logical side starts to go “hey, what about this over here? It’s kind of weird and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.� Once you start questioning those things the idea that God sent His son to take the penalty for our sins, the basic belief of Christianity, starts to shift around a bit.
It’s like a house in California that slowly slides down the side of the mountain. A foot down and you start to notice, and by the time you’ve asked for help you’re halfway to the water below.
And here I am. I’m 27, I’m married, I’m 4th and inches from having two kids. I own a home and through some supreme act of providence have kept up with the mortgage. I work in the nursery every fifth Sunday (cheap, I know) and I make a living playing mainly Christian music, as much as I hate to admit it.
Now is a terrible time to start doubting.
I’ve written a song for the new Caedmon’s record about this. I’m going to go ahead and assume here that I’m not the only that’s been to this place. If so, the song will be really lame, since every verse starts out with “maybe you’re like me…� Anyway, it’s about how we’ve lost the freedom to wrestle with doubt, to actually enter into it in hopes that we’ll come out stronger on the other side. Our responsibilities and our image keep us from rolling back our sleeves, muttering “this is going to suck� and jumping in the ring.
***
I know I’ve planted some of the seeds of this doubt myself. It’s inherent in us all, I think, but it’s also in the different books I’ve read and movies I’ve seen. Interestingly, I don’t think music has played to this. Music, by pretty much anybody, is a recipe for believing in the unseen. At least for me. But anyway, now that those seeds are there I feel like I have three options.
Option 1. I can let the seeds turn into weeds that change the whole place. I can give into the doubt and hope my family and friends don’t all leave me.
Option 2. I can try to pull the weeds out by reading different books and different movies. A little Chesterton can go a long way, but pulling weeds never keeps them from growing back.
Option 3. I can keep asking Jesus to forgive me, to be real to me and to rip the doubt out at the roots. I don’t think it’s just more devotionals and prayer. I’ve never stopped those things, though they’ve slowed down. It’s that I need Jesus and I don’t know how long He’s going to wait to answer me.
***
We call it “going through the motions� when people feel like this but act like everything’s great and nothing bothers us. We look down on that.
And this is me not doing that. If I want my faith to be real and if I believe that Jesus is real, then I need to be real.
It means I cross my arms and ask for prayer while everybody else is taking communion, even if a bunch of Caedmon’s fans see it and it weirds them out. It means I tell my neighborhood small group the same thing I feel I do every week: “you can keep praying for me and all this doubt I can’t seem to shake.� It means I don’t lie to my wife when she asks what’s bothering me.
But again, that’s hard to do. I want to be a good dad and a good husband and I don’t want to lead people away from Jesus. Even if I have a hard time feeling it, I believe Jesus is real. Or at least I want to. And I want my kids to, and my wife, and my friends, and you reading this.
Because I’ve seen people changed by Jesus. Not lying tv preachers or R. Kelly’s gospel album, but my friends Randall and Mitch. I’ve seen believers in India who had literally nothing but huts and oppression and who believed, not in a superstition, but in a God who changed them completely. I’ve seen it be real, so why is it so hard to believe?
Reader Comments (45)
Wow, thanks for your honesty, Andy. A lot of what you said here resonates with me. I need to work through it. Thanks for prompting these thoughts.
I can't wait to hear the Caedmon's song.
dude.
thank you.
You are not alone. Reading this post was like reading something I have thought many times but just been too scared to write. I want you to know that I am going through the same thing.
I don't know if it comes from being raised in church and just believing everything because that is what I thought I was "supposed to do" or if it my own spiritual immaturity. All I know is I seem to want to question God a lot lately about "why this" or "how come that."
Some see it as weakness. Honesty, I am not sure what I see it as.
Didn't Moses question God at the burning bush. Been a while since I read that passage, but I do believe there being a dialogue between God and Moses about "who do I tell them sent me?" It wasn't like he said..."Oooh. A Burning Bush. God. I will go whatever it tells me."
Thanks again for the honesty. And seriously, I am going through the same thing EXACTLY at 31 years old with a wife and two kids.
It's always hard to believe when we live on other people's stories.
It's been that way for me. I've struggled with seasons of doubt and I'm in one right now. It's a different doubt than yours, though (I think). I feel like I'm on the verge of seeing God to something great and I've hear and seen Him do great things in and through others, but I somehow doubt I can be a part of it. I'm not really willing to step out and take a risk.
All I know is that I want my own stories.
And thanks for the honesty. I think honesty and vulnerability lead to growth in others more than a good sermon ever could.
Thanks for being real.
Thanks for being transparent. I think that being honest about it will help you gain a foothold. There's something about keeping it in that lets it get fed by something dark.
I've been there. I've always taken solace in the mustard seed thing. I love that Jesus knew our faith would be weak at times and that a small kernal of hope and faith would be enough for God to work it out. I also like to think that Abraham, without the aid of the Bible or any real background on God, while trusting - probably struggled with the weight of it all.
Keep on working it out, and thanks for sharing stuff (no one here is holding Caedmon's to pillar-of-faith status... You guys beathe the same air we do - That's one of the things that makes the music and stories so compelling.)
Faith is not the absence of doubt. Faith is believing despite one's doubts. You are a man of faith, Andy, and that "is what the ancients were commended for" (Heb 11:2).
Wow. I don't think I realized how much I needed to hear what you posted until I processed it, responded, and looked over my previous response. Why do we so easily forget what we know?
I have been going through a similar thing, and your honesty has helped me to understand it. Thanks, Andy.
Seasons of doubt never feel like seasons, do they? They feel like this is it, that the world is over, and now that my beliefs are shaken, they'll never return to the complete and unshakeable status they once were.
I was there two years ago, and I still go there occasionally, but I too was shocked to find that when I confronted my pastor with the fact that the epistemology I was reading was leading to doubts in my life about God, he smiled and said, "Just stay in the Word and on your knees." I didn't want to, but I did, and the light switch never just clicked back on, but the lights slowly but surely came back up.
What matters is you, Andy, not what the Caedmon's fans, Andy O fans, or anyone else thinks. I think that we all go to these places, and I am sure that the sovereignty of God is more than enough to hold you in the palm of his hand as you wonder if you can still believe...it certainly was for me! Pray hard, read hard, and tell your wife...she will intercede for you like no other person can. We love you man, and we're all praying for you...the Lord will show himself to you!
You managed to reach, in one post, so much of the pain and doubt that has been coursing through my own mind and body in the past months...all the things I haven't figured out how to voice for myself yet. I'll be anxiously awaiting the song.
andy, that was great to read. didnt Jesus say something to the disciples like "you see me and you believe and that's cool, but blessed are those who don't see me and still believe" (loose paraphrase there...E Peterson i am not). it's almost like he knew how hard it would be for us to believe. i take comfort in that because, like you said, there are days when i feel quite sure that this Jesus i claim to follow is as real as my fingers, and then there are other days when i just say to myself "well, if this whole christianity thing was just a charade, at least i was living for something."
it definitely hits home when i look at my kids. part of me wants to train them up in the Bible 2 hours a day every day, so they know the truth. The other part of me is afraid to "brainwash them". I dont want them to call themselves Christians because thats what i told them they were. I want them to meet this Jesus and be amazed by Him, I want them to feel their need for Him and not just grow up thinking that His name is a title they inherited.
You've been given a stage and a soapbox to be open in front of a lot of people, and i think honesty is the best way to go...even if you cant wrap up your thoughts in profound truths like Chesterton or Spurgeon or Tomlin. (hey, i like worshipping God with Chris' tunes...so sue me). ALl that to say, Thanks for Sharing...and that i'll try to keep you in my prayers because we all need help.
First of all, thank you for the public honesty. I've been struggling spiritually (not with doubts persay, but with other things) for the last two months and am almost convinced that hiding things from the Body of Christ I'm a part of is an easier solution. Reading this reminds me that it's only easier if you want to be eaten alive and be a hypocrite. In a lot of ways I'm right there with you.
Second, the last question you asked is "I've seen it to be real, why is it so hard to believe?" Man, ain't that the truth (both parts of the statement). One thing that has not been mentioned by any of the other replies is the role Satan plays in deceiving and twisting our sense of reality and his ability to play on our sin nature and temperment. I know I'm the kind of person that does not pay enough attention to Satan's reality. The simple fact is that he is particularly interested in tormenting and attacking those who are having an impact in God's favor on the spiritual level. That, Andrew, would very much include you. You have a big bulls-eye on you simply because of your music (it is redemptive in nature and is causing many people to think more deeply about spiritual truths).
My latest bout with spiritual struggle grew out of two months ago teaching the Bible in my home church twice in a week and then being up in front of people doing music in the same week. Very public and beneficial ministry packed into a short time. I haven't stopped being angry, paranoid, and not close to God since. Satan knows my sin nature better than I do and on a few occasions has almost had me convinced that walking away from God's people is the answer. This on the heals of God providing opportunities to use the talents He's given me to build his Kingdom. I'm not saying that Satan is the sole reason, because I certainly have a lot of responsibility for my own actions (just as do you), but his role has to be acknowledged and fought against appropriately.
I think there is a direct connection here between the spiritual battle and what you are doing in your music and your life. The only answer is the one you came to. Option 3. We take the licks and, with God's strength, grace, and protection, keep making ourselves available for more. We trust God more than our feelings or flesh. We look at the long view and not what's right in front of us at the moment. We see suffering and discipline for what it was described as in Hebrews 12. We keep on...
All of these are hard as hell to do when you're "in it" and can take a really long time.
I just wanted to make sure and point out though that Satan is very much involved in what you are feeling so don't dismiss that.
Andy - we all have doubts from time to time. Or if we don't, then maybe we're a little too insulated in our "Christian ghetto."
God can use our doubts to eventually bring us to a stronger faith. A faith that is never tested or challenged won't grow stronger.
Hey A -
Long time, bro... Thought to look up your website tonight - see how you were doing.
We'll catch up later - for those of you reading, Andy and I were quite good friends growing up in the same church - same youth group - same stuff...enough on that...
Funny how times change, huh? The real cool thing is - God doesn't. He's still the same as when we were learning about it running around at Turkey Run - or we were playing capture the flag and running in to license plates. Whoops. Bottom line is, bro - God's constant. It's our minds that evolve and grow - change...He hasn't.
You're a brother in Christ. Don't ever forget your roots. It's solid. It's firm. And it's unchanging - even though you....I....Mark....Katie....we all have. Your search for what you are looking for hasn't moved.
God be blessed. You have touched thousands.
In His Grip -
Dan
Andy,
At a time like this, you don't need Job's friends ("must be your sin," "you're not doing enough spiritual battle," "you need to read your Bible more")...you just need friends.
You have friends. Lots of us. We know this is real for you and not a game or a "phase" we just have to wait out.
But I know you have friends who are there in the flesh, while most of us are just people you see on the Internet or an occasional concert. Press into those "real" friends and your wife, your best friend. Maybe spend less time here on the net (but I'm not telling you what to do or not do!). Keep talking and keep being real with those closest to you.
We're praying. And we care. Really.
a song i used to know really comforted me in a similar time...
"the answer to my questions, is be still and know.. that i am, and i am love."
my the peace of god that passess all understanding guide you in his truth, so that you can stand firm and with assurance, that you are a survivor.
-stephen cavness
Thanks for posting this, Andrew. I wrote a song about my battle with doubt as well. You may remember recording it back in May. "I don't believe, but I want to believe you're right here."
it's like the tide
it comes and it goes
but the ocean is always real
and it is always moving
even if we are not in it
love you man----keep making beautiful music---you have my undying fandom.
and no some youth pastor did not tell me that
i just made it up
Thanks for sharing this Andy!
I'll be praying for you and I believe that you will come through this stronger in your faith than ever. God never intended for us to mindlessly follow some vague version of Him we picked up second-hand- He wants us to KNOW Him and knowing truth involves facing and moving past doubts. You and yours are in my prayers, man.
In Christ,
Tom
First time poster on the Osenga Blog. Interesting way to approach the issue.
On a side note, when are you coming up North to Canada? More specifically, Belleville, ON? Two great friends of mine came down about a month ago to watch Caedmons play. You blogged about them.
Anyway, besides being jealous of them watching you play in a pub, you should steer your musical tour vessel up here. I already asked D.Webb to come up and he is trying to make it up here. So it's kind of like a race. Old Caedmon's member vs. the new one. I wonder who will win?
Also, I've been listening to "Early in the Morning" (acoustic version from your site) and it has helped me get through a rather tough week. So for that I thank you bloggingly.
Nice instrumental gear by the way. I've only got a Seagull and Gibson Epiphone and a Marshall amp. And now I'm rambling.
Listen to Sufjan Stevens album "The Avalanche". That guy is so fun to listen to.
sean
The last time I cried (I am not a big cryer.... 4 times in the last four years and three have been in the past 6 months) was praying for this guy on my Campus Crusade Leadership Team. He said he was struggling with doubt, that God was really in control with his family, who are all currently quite against God. We gathered around him and prayed for him and I started. I broke down at the point where I verbalized, "God, I dont know if you can change their hearts." I think it was the first time I verbally expressed the doubt that often fills my heart at the power of prayer. It was good to get that out... God is still working on the answer. So thanks for sharing.
First time poster: Thank you so much for this. Going through a lot of the same things and struggling to be completely honest with myself and with others about it...so don't worry, you're not alone. :)
Have you heard the new U2 song yet? http://download.yousendit.com/A799387458B86434.
Hey andy. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read this sermon. I think it will speak volumes to you....
http://www.biblebb.com/files/spurgeon/2470.htm