Donde He Estado (Where I've Been)

Jason left this comment on my last post a few days ago: "Donde esta, Andy?" My friends, that is the question.  Where the heck have I been?  I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted.  It feels like a ton of things have happened in the past month (I turned 30, wrote a ton of songs with some amazing people, played a few local shows) and at the same time it feels like I haven't done much at all.

I think not traveling makes the time pass a lot faster.  I don't do much waiting around these days, which is a great portion of your life on the road.  These days it's up with the kids, off to the studio, work, work, work, home for dinner, put the kids to bed, some more work, some time with Ali, a few pages of a book, a few hours of sleep, repeat...

Putting much more effort in the daily process of writing songs has funneled most of my creative thoughts and energy there.  Not much left over for blog posts these days.  Again, my apologies.  Though there are some great new tunes in this world.

At a greater level of truth, though, the journey of this year so far has been much more internal, personal and local than times past.  I've been swimming in the fundamental shifts in relationships (all for good, though it doesn't always look that way in the moment), fundamental shifts in business, and an intense desire to dive deeper into the community around me.  It's been an interesting season for a guy who's always been a fairly open book.

Sometimes you march with an army, sometimes you hack your way through the jungle with a machete. I can tell you that I've been trying to be more present in the journey, and it's had me feeling both more connected and more alone than ever.  The days have often like they were on a yo-yo, up, down, up, down, sometimes many spins a day.  The same happens when we trust people, we connect and then, because we're human, we let each other down and lose the connection.  You crave the connection, but you get scared of what will inevitably follow.

Here, now, is a truth trumped by a greater truth (and trumped by a final truth, greatest of all):

The truth: We are surrounded by people, fellow travelers on this insane journey.  None of us are ever alone.

The greater truth: But really, we are.  We are alone in our grief, our doubts, our anger and our fear.  Not a soul can ever know or understand what it really is we're thinking.  For this present time, not even the Spirit of God alive within us, can touch us in a way to fully comfort us.  We are utterly and completely out-of-reach of anyone else.

And that final, parenthesized truth, greatest of all?

We are never alone.  We are in process.  The process of becoming fully known, fully loved, fully revealed and, believe it or not, fully enjoyed that will crescendo into a never-ending climax of joy.  We are created by the One who is able to hold us, guide us, heal us and walk with us in the exact and complete way our hearts really long for.

So all that is to say, I'll do my best to be around here more again.  I'm officially removing any sense of duty from posting, so I won't feel guilty about taking a week or two between blogs, and that will probably free me up to be here more anyway.  (Also, as those of you who follow me on facebook or twitter can tell you, I'm as OCD about posting as ever.  I just do it more these days in incremental 160 character bursts.)

I am so grateful for you caring, reading these thoughts, and for being a part of my journey, as I may or may not be a part of yours.  There is a part of what we do in this sharing and listening that takes us far beyond song, meter and rhyme.  Thank you.

I give. Here's my list of 25.

So it's all over facebook, these lists of 25 things about the writer. Little tidbits of random information. The girls are asleep, my wife is having dinner with a friend, and it's too early to start watching last night's Battlestar (that'd be like U2 playing before the opening act). So here we go...

1. I've been in every state but Rhode Island. And I might have actually been there, I just don't remember it.
2. I lost a slice off the bottom of my big right toe a few years ago and it's been numb ever since. Until last week. I think the nerves may be growing back. Yikes.
3. Today Kevin Mann came over so we could work on his pedalboard. While here he sprayed contact cleaner in Billy Cerveny's eyes thinking it was compressed air. I felt bad for laughing.
4. I have learned the hard way not to buy a used toilet.
5. My favorite part of an electric guitar is the back of the neck.
6. I was once on MTV's "Total Request Live" claiming to have requested Tupac's "Changes".
7. I have never eaten sushi.
8. It took me a year and a half to read the first half of 'The Brothers Karamazov'. I read the second half in New Orleans in one 14-hour sitting that ended up at 7 am.
9. My oldest daughter and I sing "A Whole New World" from Aladdin at least three times a day. It is a classy duet.
10. The class schedule my senior year of high school was as follows: English, English, PE, Choir, Lunch, English, Orchestra, Study Hall. Also, Bobes and I skipped a lot.
11. My phone plays Celine Dion when my wife calls me and Cartman when it's anybody else.
12. I could eat toast for every meal and be happy.
13. My biggest pet peeve is willful ignorance.
14. My second biggest is red tape, usually this is an extension of the prior.
15. Andy Gullahorn's web site may be my favorite place on the internet.
16. Today I attended a senior recital at Belmont where James Sweeting performed my song "Swing Wide the Glimmering Gates" with piano, drums, three background singers, a hammered dulcimer, bass, two guitars and a four-piece string section. It was wonderful.
17. I own every book by Kurt Vonnegut and John Steinbeck and all but two of Ernest Hemingway.
18. Here's why: I dropped out of college after my freshman year and felt dumb, so I went to the used bookstore in every town we were in and bought all the books I imagined smart people would read.
19. My dream house would have a library that looked out on a river.
20. I firmly believe Fat Mo's is the best burger in Nashville. And the best fries. And milkshakes. So there. Now I'm hungry.
21. I have logged over 600,000 miles in Ford 15-passenger vans.
22. I lived for three years in a 3200 sq. ft. apartment with a hot tub and it was the cheapest rent I ever had.
23. Back in the Normals, Mark used to build his own pyrotechnics and test them in a parking lot in Franklin, TN. The cops came once, thought we were shooting guns, cuffed us and ended up giving Mark a demo.
24. I hate driving, anywhere and for any length of time.
25. The "Wisdom Teeth" episode of Dr. Katz is my favorite episode of any TV show ever.

Now it's time for Battlestar. Good evening.

Darkness

So I tried to watch No Country for Old Men the other night. It was shot incredibly well, the writing and editing was top-notch. It won a ton of awards and it probably deserved them.

I have to say, though, I just didn't care and I quit watching. The story was full of evil and I just decided I'd had enough.

I tend to like dark movies, stories, songs, etc... Maybe it was growing up with a fairly sheltered childhood. A lot of the music and other art I was exposed to in my youth showed mostly good and happiness. Fairly basic wisdom shows us that to know how good the light is, we need to understand the darkness, and I probably went out in search of the darkness for a season, just to grasp that.

Good art tends to show both the good and the bad of a scenario, and it serves to evoke thoughts, discussions, inspirations we wouldn't have otherwise.

I think, though, that I have reached a season where I'm cutting myself off from some of that darkness. Not because I'm scared of it or I want to be shallow. It's because I'm alive. One look into my heart, my mind, my desires, my angers puts Heath Ledger's Joker to shame. There is no darkness on film that comes close to the darkness in me. I don't feel I am in need these days of studying the depths of depravity.

In contrast, becoming more aware of my own darkness, my own sin, really does serve to show me how wonderful truly good things are. I feel like I'm enjoying nature more than ever, laughter, getting lost in a beautiful melody. My heart seems to be opening to a wider spectrum of both darkness and light.

It's often a fight to enjoy good things. I don't know why that is, but I know it's true. It's like making yourself get off the couch to do the dishes and exercise. You know you enjoy the ends and often even the means, but you just don't want to move.

So this isn't to say "Don't watch this movie, it's bad!", it's just to share where I am right now. I asked for your reactions to that specific movie the other night just to see what others thought. Some of you learned great things from it. That's awesome.

I have no grand statement tonight. I just want to make the most of my time, to be present today so I don't have to regret it tomorrow. My darkness will continue to be evident to me, and to everybody who knows me, but I want to start learning more about the light. Pray for me, as I will pray for you, that every evil we see would drive us to learn more about what is truly good, and through that live in and enjoy this world that can be so very, very dark.

The Springsteen Bowl

Springsteen? Yes, please. Hope that cameraman was ok. The SuperBowl was even exciting (for a non-football guy like me).

However, our DVR didn't catch the last ten minutes of The Office, since the game went long. That was a sadness.

In other news, today was gorgeous in Nashville, and this not-touring thing really paid off today. I had a Sunday afternoon nap AND a Sunday afternoon run. Everybody was out today, folks walking dogs, out for a stroll, playing football in the parks and at the schools. I love the feeling that the whole town is coming out of hibernation. It's supposed to snow tonight, so it might all be a big tease, but today was awesome.

In other, other news, Andy and the Andys played our third show ever Friday night, and that was fun. I brought a camera and, of course, took no pictures or video. Anybody out there have any documentation?

We played our six songs and each did a few of our own with the band. So fun. David Wilcox was there and did a couple tunes in the middle, as well. I really hope we get to play more shows this year, it's such a great time. My goal is to finish up our EP by March. We'll see.

Tomorrow the week starts again. I've got some cool writing appointments I'm excited about, and I'll probably start mixing Brice Ash's record, which is really coming along great.

Closing question. Did any of you see "No Country for Old Men"? What did you think?