Wednesday
Nov082006
thoughts on doubt
Wednesday, November 8, 2006 at 02:21PM
I wrote this piece Sunday afternoon and have debated posting it. I sent it to a couple of my mentor-type friends and was surprsed by their reaction. They were thrilled and excited by the honesty of my struggle. Their joy has been a great encouragement to me, and is working against the very issue at hand. I’ve got more thoughts that have come since, but I’ll share them in the next few days. For now….
My parents have attended the same church for a little over 30 years. I grew up as a part of that church and it was a steady part of me until I left town after high school. For the most part, this was a really good thing. When I got to college I bounced around a bit, but if I wasn’t “going� to a particular church I was “looking�, because being a part of a church was always a part of me.
There were some fights in my house when I started learning guitar and listening to Pink Floyd, but I was a good kid. Despite feeling rock and roll coarsing through my veins, I never rebelled. Didn’t have a need or desire.
And now, and for probably the past two years, there’s a fighter in the ring and he’s pointing at me and calling me out. He’s probably the most feared, and least talked about, fighter there is: doubt.
The whispers from the attic have turned into roars in the living room and, I won’t lie, they’ve left me more than a little shaken.
***
I got really into theology after my one gloriously fulfilling year of college. All the cool, old books people quote from? I read ‘em. Calvin, Luther, Lewis, Grudem, Packer, Piper, etc… The baseball cards of Christian thinking. And I loved it. I was inspired and on fire. I wrote an album called Coming to Life and I meant every word of it.
But as time went on, deals went South and theology turned into a formula. “If A then B.� My beliefs started turning into brass knuckles, and if you didn’t know the right gang signs (you know, using words like “covenant� and “election� and turning up your nose at Chris Tomlin and Sonicflood) then I’d beat you with my knowledge until you limped away. Because it was the only way to keep feeling it.
***
Today at church we had communion. Randy, our pastor, told us that when we got to the front we’d put out our hands and they’d serve us the bread and wine, or we could cross our hands to our shoulders and someone would come and pray with us.
I crossed my hands. Someone came and prayed for me.
He prayed wonderful things, that I would know that God was real and that He really loved me. That I would look to Him and not the idols of control or money or sex. He prayed that what I would believe in my heart what I believe in my head.
And that’s when it hit me. For me, I need that prayer the other way around. I need what I believe in my heart to inform my head.
***
The problem with seeing your theology as a series of logical steps is that you start to tear apart the premises. When you get to evil and faith and the garden of Eden and Noah’s ark, the logical side starts to go “hey, what about this over here? It’s kind of weird and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.� Once you start questioning those things the idea that God sent His son to take the penalty for our sins, the basic belief of Christianity, starts to shift around a bit.
It’s like a house in California that slowly slides down the side of the mountain. A foot down and you start to notice, and by the time you’ve asked for help you’re halfway to the water below.
And here I am. I’m 27, I’m married, I’m 4th and inches from having two kids. I own a home and through some supreme act of providence have kept up with the mortgage. I work in the nursery every fifth Sunday (cheap, I know) and I make a living playing mainly Christian music, as much as I hate to admit it.
Now is a terrible time to start doubting.
I’ve written a song for the new Caedmon’s record about this. I’m going to go ahead and assume here that I’m not the only that’s been to this place. If so, the song will be really lame, since every verse starts out with “maybe you’re like me…� Anyway, it’s about how we’ve lost the freedom to wrestle with doubt, to actually enter into it in hopes that we’ll come out stronger on the other side. Our responsibilities and our image keep us from rolling back our sleeves, muttering “this is going to suck� and jumping in the ring.
***
I know I’ve planted some of the seeds of this doubt myself. It’s inherent in us all, I think, but it’s also in the different books I’ve read and movies I’ve seen. Interestingly, I don’t think music has played to this. Music, by pretty much anybody, is a recipe for believing in the unseen. At least for me. But anyway, now that those seeds are there I feel like I have three options.
Option 1. I can let the seeds turn into weeds that change the whole place. I can give into the doubt and hope my family and friends don’t all leave me.
Option 2. I can try to pull the weeds out by reading different books and different movies. A little Chesterton can go a long way, but pulling weeds never keeps them from growing back.
Option 3. I can keep asking Jesus to forgive me, to be real to me and to rip the doubt out at the roots. I don’t think it’s just more devotionals and prayer. I’ve never stopped those things, though they’ve slowed down. It’s that I need Jesus and I don’t know how long He’s going to wait to answer me.
***
We call it “going through the motions� when people feel like this but act like everything’s great and nothing bothers us. We look down on that.
And this is me not doing that. If I want my faith to be real and if I believe that Jesus is real, then I need to be real.
It means I cross my arms and ask for prayer while everybody else is taking communion, even if a bunch of Caedmon’s fans see it and it weirds them out. It means I tell my neighborhood small group the same thing I feel I do every week: “you can keep praying for me and all this doubt I can’t seem to shake.� It means I don’t lie to my wife when she asks what’s bothering me.
But again, that’s hard to do. I want to be a good dad and a good husband and I don’t want to lead people away from Jesus. Even if I have a hard time feeling it, I believe Jesus is real. Or at least I want to. And I want my kids to, and my wife, and my friends, and you reading this.
Because I’ve seen people changed by Jesus. Not lying tv preachers or R. Kelly’s gospel album, but my friends Randall and Mitch. I’ve seen believers in India who had literally nothing but huts and oppression and who believed, not in a superstition, but in a God who changed them completely. I’ve seen it be real, so why is it so hard to believe?
My parents have attended the same church for a little over 30 years. I grew up as a part of that church and it was a steady part of me until I left town after high school. For the most part, this was a really good thing. When I got to college I bounced around a bit, but if I wasn’t “going� to a particular church I was “looking�, because being a part of a church was always a part of me.
There were some fights in my house when I started learning guitar and listening to Pink Floyd, but I was a good kid. Despite feeling rock and roll coarsing through my veins, I never rebelled. Didn’t have a need or desire.
And now, and for probably the past two years, there’s a fighter in the ring and he’s pointing at me and calling me out. He’s probably the most feared, and least talked about, fighter there is: doubt.
The whispers from the attic have turned into roars in the living room and, I won’t lie, they’ve left me more than a little shaken.
***
I got really into theology after my one gloriously fulfilling year of college. All the cool, old books people quote from? I read ‘em. Calvin, Luther, Lewis, Grudem, Packer, Piper, etc… The baseball cards of Christian thinking. And I loved it. I was inspired and on fire. I wrote an album called Coming to Life and I meant every word of it.
But as time went on, deals went South and theology turned into a formula. “If A then B.� My beliefs started turning into brass knuckles, and if you didn’t know the right gang signs (you know, using words like “covenant� and “election� and turning up your nose at Chris Tomlin and Sonicflood) then I’d beat you with my knowledge until you limped away. Because it was the only way to keep feeling it.
***
Today at church we had communion. Randy, our pastor, told us that when we got to the front we’d put out our hands and they’d serve us the bread and wine, or we could cross our hands to our shoulders and someone would come and pray with us.
I crossed my hands. Someone came and prayed for me.
He prayed wonderful things, that I would know that God was real and that He really loved me. That I would look to Him and not the idols of control or money or sex. He prayed that what I would believe in my heart what I believe in my head.
And that’s when it hit me. For me, I need that prayer the other way around. I need what I believe in my heart to inform my head.
***
The problem with seeing your theology as a series of logical steps is that you start to tear apart the premises. When you get to evil and faith and the garden of Eden and Noah’s ark, the logical side starts to go “hey, what about this over here? It’s kind of weird and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.� Once you start questioning those things the idea that God sent His son to take the penalty for our sins, the basic belief of Christianity, starts to shift around a bit.
It’s like a house in California that slowly slides down the side of the mountain. A foot down and you start to notice, and by the time you’ve asked for help you’re halfway to the water below.
And here I am. I’m 27, I’m married, I’m 4th and inches from having two kids. I own a home and through some supreme act of providence have kept up with the mortgage. I work in the nursery every fifth Sunday (cheap, I know) and I make a living playing mainly Christian music, as much as I hate to admit it.
Now is a terrible time to start doubting.
I’ve written a song for the new Caedmon’s record about this. I’m going to go ahead and assume here that I’m not the only that’s been to this place. If so, the song will be really lame, since every verse starts out with “maybe you’re like me…� Anyway, it’s about how we’ve lost the freedom to wrestle with doubt, to actually enter into it in hopes that we’ll come out stronger on the other side. Our responsibilities and our image keep us from rolling back our sleeves, muttering “this is going to suck� and jumping in the ring.
***
I know I’ve planted some of the seeds of this doubt myself. It’s inherent in us all, I think, but it’s also in the different books I’ve read and movies I’ve seen. Interestingly, I don’t think music has played to this. Music, by pretty much anybody, is a recipe for believing in the unseen. At least for me. But anyway, now that those seeds are there I feel like I have three options.
Option 1. I can let the seeds turn into weeds that change the whole place. I can give into the doubt and hope my family and friends don’t all leave me.
Option 2. I can try to pull the weeds out by reading different books and different movies. A little Chesterton can go a long way, but pulling weeds never keeps them from growing back.
Option 3. I can keep asking Jesus to forgive me, to be real to me and to rip the doubt out at the roots. I don’t think it’s just more devotionals and prayer. I’ve never stopped those things, though they’ve slowed down. It’s that I need Jesus and I don’t know how long He’s going to wait to answer me.
***
We call it “going through the motions� when people feel like this but act like everything’s great and nothing bothers us. We look down on that.
And this is me not doing that. If I want my faith to be real and if I believe that Jesus is real, then I need to be real.
It means I cross my arms and ask for prayer while everybody else is taking communion, even if a bunch of Caedmon’s fans see it and it weirds them out. It means I tell my neighborhood small group the same thing I feel I do every week: “you can keep praying for me and all this doubt I can’t seem to shake.� It means I don’t lie to my wife when she asks what’s bothering me.
But again, that’s hard to do. I want to be a good dad and a good husband and I don’t want to lead people away from Jesus. Even if I have a hard time feeling it, I believe Jesus is real. Or at least I want to. And I want my kids to, and my wife, and my friends, and you reading this.
Because I’ve seen people changed by Jesus. Not lying tv preachers or R. Kelly’s gospel album, but my friends Randall and Mitch. I’ve seen believers in India who had literally nothing but huts and oppression and who believed, not in a superstition, but in a God who changed them completely. I’ve seen it be real, so why is it so hard to believe?
Reader Comments (45)
Hey Andrew, When you said this "When you get to evil and faith and the garden of Eden and Noah’s ark, the logical side starts to go “hey, what about this over here? It’s kind of weird and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.� I thought of this video you may be interested in seeing...I found it extremely helpful for answering a few of my theogical questions.
if the video embed doesn't work here's the http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8464925642918434596&sourceid=docidfeed&hl=en-CA" rel="nofollow">link to the Google video.
Oh and I pick Options 2 and 3, it doesn't hurt to read books like: Bruchko or watching the right movies and so on...I believe as you do Option 2 Option 3 will just fall into place. I hope that makes sense.
Andy,
Praying for you, man. One think I truly respect about you and folks like you is that you are passionate about life and what makes it up. You write about it and sing about it. I'm so thankful that your faith is not known because of your label, but because of your lyrics and your life.
The honesty you share is amazing. As real as you are in your songs, this is where you really show who you are. As a songwriter, I sometimes find that while I'm honest and (maybe somewhat) profound in my lyrics, the bigger challenge is actually creating dialogue equal in honesty. I can keep the questions and doubt hidden during the day to day.
So I'll not say that I have any answers, but maybe some empathy. I do know that community is important. You need friends to listen and grow with. You need a church community to belong to. Don't drift away from the circles God has placed you in. I'm 29 with a wife of 5 years. I'm in full-time ministry and we have definitely had our own struggles and doubt about lots of stuff. Without a community of friends, I don't know where we'd be.
Again, praying for you that God reveals Himself in new and old ways. Praying that your theology falls in love with your faith. Praying that you don't equate doubt with dis-belief. Read Ps 73 if you get a chance.
Peace
I really appreciate the honesty. I think a lot of people will relate to the things that you have expressed. I often times, by mistake, assume other people have this stuff all figured out. And why am I so different? Why is it so hard for me to swallow something that deep down I, also, believe to be true. It is really good to hear that I am not alone in that struggle. Even though I know that to be true also--- it is nice to see that people who appear to have it totally all worked out still need a little prayer and maybe even a little help from time to time. Thanks.
I think it was Luther that said "the doubter makes the theologian" and then I read somewhere, and agree, that Artists make the best theologians.
It might not make it any easier to know that God is letting you dry out in the desert but when you come out on the other side parched and weary, others will be encouraged by your strengthened faith.
I also think that being saturated by the Christian subculture is one of the quickest ways to doubt.
Thanks for you honesty
I appreciate the sincerity and good will of everyone posting "read this sermon" or "watch this video" or "read this book," but please realize that struggles like Andy (and apparently many of his readers, to judge by the comments thus far) is going through are not, first and foremost, intellectual struggles. It isn't as easy as getting the right facts and arguments in line and then all your doubts will disappear. If you read Andy's post carefully, you'll see that he's saying "been there, done that, got the library shelves." No, these things have primarily to do with the heart, and the heart is not fixed with the head.
Please don't misunderstand me to be saying that good books and good apologetics etc. are not helpful or useful. They are. But what I'm hearing in Andy's post is a heart cry, and the heart is a deep and mysterious thing, not always reachable from the head.
That's why I think the most helpful thing we can do right now is express our sympathy and solidarity...and pray. Andy has good people around him. He has an awesome wife. He has great friends close to him in Nashville. He has a great church and pastor. They'll walk through this with him. The rest of us need to give him a virtual hug and pray for him....and ourselves!
Nicely put Mark. It helped me to remember my heart cry during a similar time in my life. I remember that I wanted to ask God for help with my doubt, but that seemed impossible.
But I did. I asked God to help me - made my heart cry something directed to him. It was silly and I felt dumb, but I think God's wanting that. You know, the whole "I feel ashamed that I don't have the faith I think I should" feeling and not wanting God to know (like he doesn't) - Praying to God in faith (that he cares, will hear us, and answer) about doubt seems ridiculous. It's not. That's how mustard seeds grow, right?
I know that may seem like advice and I don't want to make things seem trite. I've been in a similar place and want to share honestly.
Thanks for sharing you life with us, Andy. You are in my prayers. Your blog made me think of the song "Own Me" by Ginny Owens. Here is an excerpt:
Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin away, maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws just cause me more pain;
So I fall before you in all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-
Own me...take all that I am,
And heal me...with the blood of the lamb.
Mold me with your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only yours-Own me.
thank you andrew, even though you did make me cry at work...i'm actually right there with you at this time in my life, as are a few people i know. thanks for being willing to share.
I've been a reader for a while, but figured I should finally comment. Just wanted to let you know I linked to you from my blog today. Your words have caused me to think and do some wrestling.
Andy,
I read your post last night and I thought about it several times today. My first reaction was to post something inspirational to try and make you feel better.
While thinking about what to post, I thought about my own journey. In the mid-1990’s, I lost faith while the business I owned was failing.
Three years after my business’s failure and I came to a point where I needed help (I was single at the time. I had left a job to pursue a better opportunity. That opportunity didn’t pan out and I found myself unemployed. After several months of searching for a job I found myself within a few weeks of being totally broke).
I needed help and I turned to Jesus. From that point to today, God has revealed himself to me in ways I never thought possible, both emotionally and intellectually. I would not have the faith I have today if I hadn’t gone through this.
So Andy, I will be praying for God to lead you through the journey.
Scot
Andy, I know I already commented. But I felt that I must say 'thank you' along with everyone else. Its just simply amazing that you writing this post has caused people to be so thankful that you did. You said all that we don't want to say... or what we couldn't figure out how to say. This is big man. It has changed the way I think these past few days.
Bro-
I will most definitely be praying for you. I've been really striving to follow Jesus, and to trust him completely for the past couple of weeks...and it's probably the hardest thing that i've had to do. It's just so counter to everything i operate on..."i've got to do this myself" has to be changed to "Jesus, do this in me", and so on. And doubt has been a huge struggle for me. So...yeah. I'm there with you, brother. Take some comfort from Paul's words in Romans 5:1-11. No matter how alone you feel, remember that you aren't.
Mark...
true dat.
Wow. Thanks for saying what so many feel, and thanks for sharing your heart.
Dude,
You are a man. Doubt and fear are the point. Go into it.
Remember in the creation myth how the serpent tempted eve and she ate and then gave some to Adam who was standing right there with her? In near eastern mythology concurrent with the jewish creation account, the serpent was a symbol of chaos. The early listeners of this story would recognize immediately that Adam was supposed to speak into chaos just like the Father did as He hovered over the waters and spoke order into chaos to make order and Adam had done a little earlier when he named the animals. Adam was made for that moment, to go into chaos and fear and bring order and beauty. (Allendar and Crabb)
Go into your doubts and fears and see where God is asking you to speak. People try to force God into a linear scientific construct: do A get X. God is non-linear and you can't put him into a box.
Andy, as so many others have said, thank you for your honesty. It is so hard to be a leader in the faith and have doubts. I am in seminary right now and one of my very good friends here spent the last year doubting if she really believed anything at all. It was a rough season, a season of dryness and drought and questioning and doubt, but through it all she kept talking to God and talking to friends and eventually there was water in the desert again and a way out of the wilderness. I'm certain prayer played a big role in that.
I can't pretend to imagine what exactly it is you're going through right now, but I know that God is bigger than any doubts any of us have and for that I am thankful every day! I think your Option 3 is the best option for you and I think you already know that, though the temptation to give in to the doubt is strong. I also think it's okay to live in the weeds for awhile. Sometimes the most beautiful flowers are what we think of as "weeds"!
I will end by sharing one of my favorite stories told by one of my favorite authors, Madeleine L'Engle. She was asked by one of her students if she really, truly believed in God with no doubts at all. Madeleine's response was that she really, truly believed in God with all kinds of doubts!
Thanks again for sharing. Your honesty helps all of us be more honest in telling our own stories. You are in my prayers.
One thing--the Lord's Supper is for the baptized, whether or not they are doubters. In fact, if you're weak and struggling, then you're the person who should be most taking the supper. Don't cut yourself off from nourishment when you're struggling. Come to the table, even in your weakness, even if you're not sure you "believe." The things that God has said about you in your baptism are more important than the things you say about him in your doubts.
I know you've got plenty of reading recommendations, but a "baseball card" that's helped me is Piper's "When I Don't Desire God." Check it out.
You know, I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. I'll admit I've not (yet?) gone through anything like what you're describing, but I'm going to pass this post on to my husband, who has tried to describe what I believe is exactly what you've covered in this post. Reading what you have to say here helps me understand him and his faith (and sometimes lack of, as all humans experience in some context or other) in a broader light. Thanks.